I don't want to say for a moment that DTS was not reality, because it was. It was a catalyst of getting me to the spot that I needed to be at. However, there are some aspects of DTS that I appreciated more than I should have.
Having taken this school, (Disciplship Training School), on the opposite side of the country, I was able to completely avoid those that had been a part of my old life. I was also able to take a break from those in which I love. Though I realized that things around where I live were still the same and that I was different, it wasn't until tonight that I realized just how true this was. Not only has my personality changed and my whole outlook shifted, but my physical appearance is different enough for good friends to walk by me and think I am a new girl. Good feeling, but different.
On the avoidance of my old life, it was strange to be put back into a situation in which I had to have some form of interaction, (though minimal), with someone from my past. We have both changed. We've both matured in our time apart, yet still have a long way to go. There's no way that this person will be as big in my life as he once was, but I am very proud of the progress that it appears he has made. I will never be sure, however, how much progress that actually is. I think I'm willing to trust this person to ever be close to him in any way again.
Is this is a flaw on my part? I do not nessicarily have to become good friends with him ever again. I don't even have to completely trust him. I just want to make sure that my motives for steering clear of him aren't bitterness or unforgivness.
Looking at him tonight, I had no feelings. It was almost scary. It was the first time that I have ever not felt anything for him. I felt a form of affection, but it was the kind that wishes a person well when they don't feel well. It was the kind of affection that a child has for a poor lost dog, (disclaimer: I am not comparing him to a dog). I can honestly say that I no longer love him.
I am glad that after five months of healing, I've actually gotten somewhere. I needed to come home to know that. Had I have stayed in Oregon without comming home, I don't know I would have ever been sure that I had fully recovered. I guess an addict or a phobics only way to know if their cured is to come into contact with that which has tormented them. Tonight I did just that.
One giant down, four to go....
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