the over analytical retard that is me

I have been plagued with this problem all of my life. I analyze everyone's actions to figure out what they think of me. While in some cases, this can be really good, there are some cases that end up with me embarassed or worse, hurt.

Looking back on my childhood and adolesence and even recently, I see numerous occasions in which I have somehow or another managed to make myself look stupid, yet again. Boys that I thought liked me had absolutely no interest in me besides that of being really close friends and what not.

The crazy part is that when its time to analyze something, I don't do it! That brings me back to memories of boyfriends I have missed out on, though I liked. This, though I thank God for. I was always spared from the pain of breaking up b/c of this one.

The best example I can think of is my 17th bday party. It was a surprise held on the ground floor of my church. My aunt pulls up to the front (which leads directly into the top floor) with her key to unlock the door (which could have also unlocked the key to the downstairs, which is where I thought we needed to pick something up). Upon telling her that her key will unlock both doors, she disagreed with me. I shrugged it off and didn't say anything, not wishing to look stupid. Meanwhile, I'm clutching an angel bear that I had just made at build a bear bc I'm a tad bit afraid of the dark and my aunt refused to turn on any lights. ( Yes, I did look dumb, shut up) When we got downstairs, I noticed a sliver of light coming through the bottom of the bathroom door. A concerned church member, I decided I could save th church money by shutting off. I stopped short though, after knocking and being greeting by a deep mans voice from the bathroom inside out church at 7pm with all the doors locked. Instead of thinking it through I freaked and ran to catch up with my aunt all the while screaming theres a man in the church. When I caught up to her... she opened the door and there I am with a freaked out look on my face, gripping my angel teddy.... needless to say I felt stupid for not realizing something was up. That mans voice by the way? It was my uncles voice.

This is the story of my life. Yet I know, if it had all been nothing, I would have over analyzed. Then, I would have been dissappointed.

So, I've decided something. On top of all other criteria that my future husband has to meet, I add one more. I can't know that he likes me until a crutal, romantic, God inspired moment. I want a friend that I have no idea has any interest in me to just come out one day and say, "Dina Kern, I love you!"

The man that can surprise me. He has my heart forever...

High School Musical 2 and other thoughts

Is it strange that I thought that High School Musical 2 was one of my absolute favorite sequels ever put out by Disney Channel? Haha! I thought it was so good. Sometimes I feel like a fourteen year old stuck in a (nearly) 20 year old's body.

Anyway, I'm really feeling strange tonight. There was a part of HSM2 that Troy was totally freaked out about his future. That's what I'm going through right now. I guess I'm just now going through it because in High School, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. And now, that's all been shattered. While I'm trying to remember that God's got it under control and not to worry about it, it's tough.

I feel like I want to go back to Salem like right now! My grandmother needs me and I feel like God wants me here for right now. But I just want to hop onto the next flight for Portland. I want to walk through the Saturday market. I want to hang out at Applebees with my twenty or so closest friends. I want to sit in on lectures. I want to bask in God's presence 24/7. I know that I'm not meant to be here forever. I don't think I'll be in YWAM forever, either, but I know that I will be going back, at least temporarily. But what am I supposed to be doing between now and then? I want to do the Galilee Project, but that won't start up till Sept. I can't go this Sept... sooo... I just hate waiting around until then.

I feel so restless. I need to get out of here. I've been on the other side of the world. I've lived outside of these four walls for five months. Once, these walls were protection and saftey, but now these walls feel similar to a prison.Ya know what I need? I need a job. Something to get me out of the house. It's nice to make money while doing it.

Any ideas?

Just tell me how you feel

I can't stand developing feelings for members of the opposite sex. It's a pain in the butt. It feels like to much of a game. I guess the whole thing. You've gotta play it right to not push the person away or let them go to easily. IT'S SO STUPID!!!!!

It's an added pain when you throw in another girl that is truly convinced that the same guy is "the one" that she's going to spend the rest of her life with. After a mere week of talking to him! I can't handle this thing. I just want to forget about relationships for the rest of my life. It's to much of a hassel.

I really wish this guy would come out and say how he feels. He exhibits every sign of being interested, and yet doesn't just tell me. He's gotta know that I like him. It's so obvious. Can't I jsut drop off the radar of relationships for the rest of my life? Or at least rip out the part of me that becomes interested in guys? I mean, it's to much of a pain. Too much of a game. Its just to much. Not to mention I'm terrified of getting hurt again.

life and the consequences of living

Oh life. That beautiful thing that we all have. Life really is beautiful. We have so many amazing experiances in life, to go along with and hopefully cancel out the bad ones. But there is one consequence of this terribly beautiful life. That's decisions. I dread making them. I'm so scared of stepping out of the will of God that it nearly immobilizes me. This, I'm certain is the greatest way of me living out of the will of God- that is, doing nothing.

I've come to a crossroad in my life. This cannot merely be equated to a fork in the road. I picture myself standing at a point with about fifteen roads sprouting off from where my feet are. My only option is to make a choice. I have no idea what choice to make. I have application filled out for Elim and I'm filling one out for World Harvest. I canot start till January, though, due to family issues. I could also go back into YWAM for the simple fact that it's easier. I have other options around here as well. So many choices and only one life to live.

With all these choices about my future, of course my head is spinning. Add on top of that a social life including members of both sexes and trying to find my father. Does it seem strange to anyone that I'm a bit stressed and freaked out?

It's so difficult to sit and quiet my mind, waiting on the the Lord to tell me what to do next. I'm going crazy! I don't want to dissapoint anyone, esspecially God, yet I know that whatever I do, He'll still love me and have His hand in it. I just want to live up to my full potential. Is that so wrong?