The adventures of finding my dad

How do you write a letter to a man that you don't know tell him that he's your father? I mean, I don't even know how to address it. "Dear, name here." or "Dear, Mr. last name." I mean, I think, "Dear Dad" is a little out of place.

I've written a letter to him telling him who I am, and a bit about myself. I gave him the option of calling me and setting something up. I told him that I want absolutely nothing more than a relationship. I hope he calls me.

Turns out, my pastor actually knows my father. He didn't know, though, that he was my father until recently. He met him while his mother, my grandmother, was dieing. I don't really know anything about him except, that he might have tatoos, and he might be into motorcycles. But, I mean, he might be a child rapist, he might be gay. haha. I don't know. He could be anything. But the tats and motorcycles thing is something that my pastor got from talking to him a bit. Oh! And he loved his mom. That's a good thing.

My father is divorced. I know I have siblings living in like Idaho or Ohio or someplace. It's weird, I always thought of a complete seperate part of my family, but the fact that it actually exists is completely weirding me out. I really hope that I eventually meet them. What's more, I hope they want to meet me. I really hope that they don't hate me, ya know? I don't want to screw up their family, but it seems its already kinda messed up, so I hope they can handle it.

Life after the call

Disclaimer: my e is stuck and only works every so oftn, so if something is missing an e you know why.

So the call was awsom! It was really great to see others around my age to be calling out to God to turn our nation back to him. It's funny, somtimes, I feel like I'm alon in my quest to grow in Christ. Sometimes I feel like no on knows how I feel, like no one cares about God. Yet, there we all were... all 200,000 of us, there for the same thing with the sam goal in mind. It was great!

Boys stink. Actually, I take that back. Boys do not stink... relationships do. I am so terrified of getting into another relationship that it makes prospects equally terrfying. How can I move a friendhip forward into a relationship when I'm scared of getting hurt? How can I move on when I'm afraid of th future? I know that I need to trust in God. But it's a constant struggle.

Here's the thing... I find myself attracted to a friend of 6 and a half years. At times, I think that it's mutual, but that has nothing to do with my issue. In being attracted to someone, I realize the fact that a relationship is scary. I was burned so badly in my last one that even thinking of dating a friend seems not worth it. It's not worth losing a friend. However, how can I gain any thing in life if I'm not willing to tak the risk of losing something? Nothing is gained without a gamble.

I had a conversation with my friend about it. It's funny. I feel sorry for the poor guy I end up with. For the first couple of months to a year, he's gonna have to prove himself a lot. Before I even get into the relationship, I'm going to have to get alot of comfirmation from God. I feel so bad for him. He is going to be so exhausted most of the time. It's going to have to be true love. haha.

I just found out my dad's name. That was pretty crazy. After nearly 20 years of not even knowing his first name, I know his name and where he's from. Weird part is that there is a possibility that I go to church with my grandfather on his side. He's from the area that my mom apparently knew my dad lived in, he's old enough to hav a 50 year old son, which is how old my dad is, and he has the same name. I have my pastor doing some checking into the guy so we know a bit before I approach him. My dad isn't listed anywhere, and if he is, he doesn't live here anymore. All I can find is information on th chamber of commerce. Wouldn't it be awesome if my dad was rich or famous? Not that I would xpect anything from him though. It would just be cool.