Who am I?

Who are you? It seems a simple enough question when taken at face value. However, were one to dig a little bit deeper, its a question that very few of us know the true answer to. These simple three words made me squirm not so very long ago. I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. However, as I mature in the Lord and in life in general, my grasp on this question seems a little more stable. I no longer smile and say, "What can I say? I'm just undefinable me." (If you ever recieved this answer from me, this was a cop out and I apoligize now.) I don't think I fully understand myself, that is, I don't always understand why I do things or why I feel certain way. I don't yet know all my good and bad qualities, but as I walk in the light, the darkness is brought to attention.

So who am I really?

I am Geraldine Rose Kern. Friends call me Dina, and enemies, well I try to stay away from having them. I hate drama. If you cause drama, stay away. I am terrible at confrontations- peaceful or otherwise. I cry to much and some may say I laugh to much as well. But I love both. I hate excersize and until recently, thought I would die fat and alone. This big blond and beautiful girl is tired of believing that, though. I am a girl who is tired of living with ordinary. I want extraordinary. My desires are to grow old with my husband and children in some third world country telling dying people how much Jesus Christ loves them. People say I contradict myself at times, and I tend to agree. My self-esteem is low and yet high. I am mature yet immature. I am a hopeless romantic. My ideal date would be a moonlight picnic at the beach followed by a walk under the stars. I love stargazing and day dreaming. I love sleep a little to much, but will sacrifice sleep for the internet. I love going out and having good times with close friends. I don't like fake people. I love my family and pray for them everyday. I cry for Feed The Children commercials and stories of abused or starving children. I sing in my car at the top of my lungs and I dont care who sees me. I talk to much. I sigh a lot. I think my best quality is my eyes. I like my hair, too. I hate my nose, but will live with it. I think people that get plastic surgery for vain reasons are idiots. I think people that dress their dogs in cute little desses and take them to the mall in their purse should be put in institutions. Isn't that animal abuse? I'm outspoken, but sometimes not outspoken enough.

That isn't all of me, but that's what I could think of for the time being. I have all sorts of issues, but I have so many more awesome traits. I'm not done "Discovering Dina" but when I find out more, I'll let you know

I encourage you reading my blog to really discover yourself as well. A word of warning, however, I am not sure that this is possible without the Lord. When I tried it without him, it didn't work.

"Find out who you are and do it on purpose"...

the over analytical retard that is me

I have been plagued with this problem all of my life. I analyze everyone's actions to figure out what they think of me. While in some cases, this can be really good, there are some cases that end up with me embarassed or worse, hurt.

Looking back on my childhood and adolesence and even recently, I see numerous occasions in which I have somehow or another managed to make myself look stupid, yet again. Boys that I thought liked me had absolutely no interest in me besides that of being really close friends and what not.

The crazy part is that when its time to analyze something, I don't do it! That brings me back to memories of boyfriends I have missed out on, though I liked. This, though I thank God for. I was always spared from the pain of breaking up b/c of this one.

The best example I can think of is my 17th bday party. It was a surprise held on the ground floor of my church. My aunt pulls up to the front (which leads directly into the top floor) with her key to unlock the door (which could have also unlocked the key to the downstairs, which is where I thought we needed to pick something up). Upon telling her that her key will unlock both doors, she disagreed with me. I shrugged it off and didn't say anything, not wishing to look stupid. Meanwhile, I'm clutching an angel bear that I had just made at build a bear bc I'm a tad bit afraid of the dark and my aunt refused to turn on any lights. ( Yes, I did look dumb, shut up) When we got downstairs, I noticed a sliver of light coming through the bottom of the bathroom door. A concerned church member, I decided I could save th church money by shutting off. I stopped short though, after knocking and being greeting by a deep mans voice from the bathroom inside out church at 7pm with all the doors locked. Instead of thinking it through I freaked and ran to catch up with my aunt all the while screaming theres a man in the church. When I caught up to her... she opened the door and there I am with a freaked out look on my face, gripping my angel teddy.... needless to say I felt stupid for not realizing something was up. That mans voice by the way? It was my uncles voice.

This is the story of my life. Yet I know, if it had all been nothing, I would have over analyzed. Then, I would have been dissappointed.

So, I've decided something. On top of all other criteria that my future husband has to meet, I add one more. I can't know that he likes me until a crutal, romantic, God inspired moment. I want a friend that I have no idea has any interest in me to just come out one day and say, "Dina Kern, I love you!"

The man that can surprise me. He has my heart forever...

High School Musical 2 and other thoughts

Is it strange that I thought that High School Musical 2 was one of my absolute favorite sequels ever put out by Disney Channel? Haha! I thought it was so good. Sometimes I feel like a fourteen year old stuck in a (nearly) 20 year old's body.

Anyway, I'm really feeling strange tonight. There was a part of HSM2 that Troy was totally freaked out about his future. That's what I'm going through right now. I guess I'm just now going through it because in High School, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. And now, that's all been shattered. While I'm trying to remember that God's got it under control and not to worry about it, it's tough.

I feel like I want to go back to Salem like right now! My grandmother needs me and I feel like God wants me here for right now. But I just want to hop onto the next flight for Portland. I want to walk through the Saturday market. I want to hang out at Applebees with my twenty or so closest friends. I want to sit in on lectures. I want to bask in God's presence 24/7. I know that I'm not meant to be here forever. I don't think I'll be in YWAM forever, either, but I know that I will be going back, at least temporarily. But what am I supposed to be doing between now and then? I want to do the Galilee Project, but that won't start up till Sept. I can't go this Sept... sooo... I just hate waiting around until then.

I feel so restless. I need to get out of here. I've been on the other side of the world. I've lived outside of these four walls for five months. Once, these walls were protection and saftey, but now these walls feel similar to a prison.Ya know what I need? I need a job. Something to get me out of the house. It's nice to make money while doing it.

Any ideas?

Just tell me how you feel

I can't stand developing feelings for members of the opposite sex. It's a pain in the butt. It feels like to much of a game. I guess the whole thing. You've gotta play it right to not push the person away or let them go to easily. IT'S SO STUPID!!!!!

It's an added pain when you throw in another girl that is truly convinced that the same guy is "the one" that she's going to spend the rest of her life with. After a mere week of talking to him! I can't handle this thing. I just want to forget about relationships for the rest of my life. It's to much of a hassel.

I really wish this guy would come out and say how he feels. He exhibits every sign of being interested, and yet doesn't just tell me. He's gotta know that I like him. It's so obvious. Can't I jsut drop off the radar of relationships for the rest of my life? Or at least rip out the part of me that becomes interested in guys? I mean, it's to much of a pain. Too much of a game. Its just to much. Not to mention I'm terrified of getting hurt again.

life and the consequences of living

Oh life. That beautiful thing that we all have. Life really is beautiful. We have so many amazing experiances in life, to go along with and hopefully cancel out the bad ones. But there is one consequence of this terribly beautiful life. That's decisions. I dread making them. I'm so scared of stepping out of the will of God that it nearly immobilizes me. This, I'm certain is the greatest way of me living out of the will of God- that is, doing nothing.

I've come to a crossroad in my life. This cannot merely be equated to a fork in the road. I picture myself standing at a point with about fifteen roads sprouting off from where my feet are. My only option is to make a choice. I have no idea what choice to make. I have application filled out for Elim and I'm filling one out for World Harvest. I canot start till January, though, due to family issues. I could also go back into YWAM for the simple fact that it's easier. I have other options around here as well. So many choices and only one life to live.

With all these choices about my future, of course my head is spinning. Add on top of that a social life including members of both sexes and trying to find my father. Does it seem strange to anyone that I'm a bit stressed and freaked out?

It's so difficult to sit and quiet my mind, waiting on the the Lord to tell me what to do next. I'm going crazy! I don't want to dissapoint anyone, esspecially God, yet I know that whatever I do, He'll still love me and have His hand in it. I just want to live up to my full potential. Is that so wrong?

The adventures of finding my dad

How do you write a letter to a man that you don't know tell him that he's your father? I mean, I don't even know how to address it. "Dear, name here." or "Dear, Mr. last name." I mean, I think, "Dear Dad" is a little out of place.

I've written a letter to him telling him who I am, and a bit about myself. I gave him the option of calling me and setting something up. I told him that I want absolutely nothing more than a relationship. I hope he calls me.

Turns out, my pastor actually knows my father. He didn't know, though, that he was my father until recently. He met him while his mother, my grandmother, was dieing. I don't really know anything about him except, that he might have tatoos, and he might be into motorcycles. But, I mean, he might be a child rapist, he might be gay. haha. I don't know. He could be anything. But the tats and motorcycles thing is something that my pastor got from talking to him a bit. Oh! And he loved his mom. That's a good thing.

My father is divorced. I know I have siblings living in like Idaho or Ohio or someplace. It's weird, I always thought of a complete seperate part of my family, but the fact that it actually exists is completely weirding me out. I really hope that I eventually meet them. What's more, I hope they want to meet me. I really hope that they don't hate me, ya know? I don't want to screw up their family, but it seems its already kinda messed up, so I hope they can handle it.

Life after the call

Disclaimer: my e is stuck and only works every so oftn, so if something is missing an e you know why.

So the call was awsom! It was really great to see others around my age to be calling out to God to turn our nation back to him. It's funny, somtimes, I feel like I'm alon in my quest to grow in Christ. Sometimes I feel like no on knows how I feel, like no one cares about God. Yet, there we all were... all 200,000 of us, there for the same thing with the sam goal in mind. It was great!

Boys stink. Actually, I take that back. Boys do not stink... relationships do. I am so terrified of getting into another relationship that it makes prospects equally terrfying. How can I move a friendhip forward into a relationship when I'm scared of getting hurt? How can I move on when I'm afraid of th future? I know that I need to trust in God. But it's a constant struggle.

Here's the thing... I find myself attracted to a friend of 6 and a half years. At times, I think that it's mutual, but that has nothing to do with my issue. In being attracted to someone, I realize the fact that a relationship is scary. I was burned so badly in my last one that even thinking of dating a friend seems not worth it. It's not worth losing a friend. However, how can I gain any thing in life if I'm not willing to tak the risk of losing something? Nothing is gained without a gamble.

I had a conversation with my friend about it. It's funny. I feel sorry for the poor guy I end up with. For the first couple of months to a year, he's gonna have to prove himself a lot. Before I even get into the relationship, I'm going to have to get alot of comfirmation from God. I feel so bad for him. He is going to be so exhausted most of the time. It's going to have to be true love. haha.

I just found out my dad's name. That was pretty crazy. After nearly 20 years of not even knowing his first name, I know his name and where he's from. Weird part is that there is a possibility that I go to church with my grandfather on his side. He's from the area that my mom apparently knew my dad lived in, he's old enough to hav a 50 year old son, which is how old my dad is, and he has the same name. I have my pastor doing some checking into the guy so we know a bit before I approach him. My dad isn't listed anywhere, and if he is, he doesn't live here anymore. All I can find is information on th chamber of commerce. Wouldn't it be awesome if my dad was rich or famous? Not that I would xpect anything from him though. It would just be cool.

I'm responding to "The Call"

Basically, the call is a 40 day fast. It's a fast to bring about change in this country for the better. The way my friend, Marc, put it, "It's a fast from sweets, meats, and gangsta beats" Also a requirment to the fast is 10% of your waking day being devoted to God. That's 2.4 hours. Not bad. At the end, on July 7th, there will be a huge rally thing in Nashville. I'm going. I'm comming in on this whole thing kinda late, but it's never to late to start, right?

I really feel like this will be the beginning of something HUGE. This country is about to turn around to the glory of God and I want to be in on it when it happens. I can't wait.
I will only be online occasionally. Even then, only to do some things pertaining to God. I kinda need to break my addiction to the internet anyway. So, I'll keep you posted, but not as often. ;)

Have a sweet day and God bless.

my conversation with God & the result

Today I had a nice little conversation with God about how I feel about a being in another relationship. It was a very much needed conversation on my part. While I didn't get any direct "this will happen at this time in this place," type answers, I do feel much better.
My conversation started out something like this. "Thank you, God, for getting me out of my relationship with James. I see where I could be now, and I don't like it. I really don't want a relationship right now." While the first three quarters of that statement was true, I was convicted for lying to God about the last quarter. While I truly desire a strong, healthy, Godly relationship, I recognize that I still have awhile to go before that can truly be obtained.

The conversation than became, "ok, well maybe I so want a relationship eventually, but not right now." At this point, I'm nearly banging my head on the steering wheel, (being that I was driving home from taking my sister to her boyfriend's house... long drive so I started talking aloud...), I realize that I have, once again, managed to lie to God.

Finally, I become completely honest. "God, I want someone right now. I want better than what I had. I want to feel loved and treasured... but I'm willing to go with your timing, even though it might be torture."

The thing of it is is that I really do want someone right now. I want to be held like I'm special again. I want to be kissed like I mean something to someone. I want to be romanced . I want to be swept off my feet by Mr. Right For Me.

Before now, I've felt bad for really wanting it right now. I didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone else that that's one thing that I really really want. God made me realize today that wanting it isn't terrible. I just need to be patient. I need to be willing to submit to God's timing. I need to be willing to go a few more years without even knowing Mr. Whatever You Wanna Call Him. But there's another thing that God revealed to me... He showed me that while I need to be patient, it's gonna kill me if I depend on my own patience. (FYI: Patience is something I've only begun to learn these past few months). I need to depend on God to give me the patience that I need. There's nothing I can do on my own. God put my desire there for a reason, the would be to quench it. I just need God to help me control it.

the return to life and reality

I don't want to say for a moment that DTS was not reality, because it was. It was a catalyst of getting me to the spot that I needed to be at. However, there are some aspects of DTS that I appreciated more than I should have.

Having taken this school, (Disciplship Training School), on the opposite side of the country, I was able to completely avoid those that had been a part of my old life. I was also able to take a break from those in which I love. Though I realized that things around where I live were still the same and that I was different, it wasn't until tonight that I realized just how true this was. Not only has my personality changed and my whole outlook shifted, but my physical appearance is different enough for good friends to walk by me and think I am a new girl. Good feeling, but different.

On the avoidance of my old life, it was strange to be put back into a situation in which I had to have some form of interaction, (though minimal), with someone from my past. We have both changed. We've both matured in our time apart, yet still have a long way to go. There's no way that this person will be as big in my life as he once was, but I am very proud of the progress that it appears he has made. I will never be sure, however, how much progress that actually is. I think I'm willing to trust this person to ever be close to him in any way again.

Is this is a flaw on my part? I do not nessicarily have to become good friends with him ever again. I don't even have to completely trust him. I just want to make sure that my motives for steering clear of him aren't bitterness or unforgivness.

Looking at him tonight, I had no feelings. It was almost scary. It was the first time that I have ever not felt anything for him. I felt a form of affection, but it was the kind that wishes a person well when they don't feel well. It was the kind of affection that a child has for a poor lost dog, (disclaimer: I am not comparing him to a dog). I can honestly say that I no longer love him.

I am glad that after five months of healing, I've actually gotten somewhere. I needed to come home to know that. Had I have stayed in Oregon without comming home, I don't know I would have ever been sure that I had fully recovered. I guess an addict or a phobics only way to know if their cured is to come into contact with that which has tormented them. Tonight I did just that.

One giant down, four to go....

Reflections

Here I sit, at two am, reflecting on my time both in Salem and overseas. I know that I've been changed. I'm much firmer in my beliefs and there's other things that I cannot explain. I know that things were accomplished in all countries that we were in. However, some things are on my mind that I just can't sleep with until they're gone.
I sat here just now, wondering if I did right by fellow team members. I put myself out there 100% for relationships with the locals, and yet only 75% for my team members. I didn't notice until I sat here looking at pictures and realizing that most pictures that were taken of me were a mere by-product of attempting to capture someone else. I know that I was indeed loved by everyone that I knew and became friends with, but I'm not sure that I went as deep as I could have. To all of my fellow DTSers, I am deeply sorry if I did not get to know you as well as I should have. I'm sorry if I was ever more concerned with resting than getting to know one of you a bit better. I hope you accept my apology.
Tomorrow, I see James. I'm so nervous that I don't know how to respond. I need the strength of God to see him and feel nothing; no pain, no feelings, nothing. I need to stay strong and out of his life. I want him to stay out of mine. However, I will not walk away from prayer, which has been my home for many years now. I will not let a bad relationship and bad breakup steal that from me. I refuse to let the enemy win this one. I will not be held down or back by a silly issue such as this.

home with home sickness

It's an odd feeling being home. I haven't been home in what seems to be forever. To be honest, it's only been about 3 months, but it seems an eternity. Since being home, I've been to three different countries and grown more than I ever have in my life. It just feels different.

At the same time, though, I feel like I've never left. The feeling that everything that I've experianced in these past five and a half months hasn't even happened. It's as if I experienced a wonderful dream. At this point, as I'm worried about where to work and who I'm going to see and when, things have begun to shrink into the back of my mind. In these past few hours, I've felt like I've needed to try to remember every little thing that happened.

Here I am, eating a bowl of ice cream and blogging at home, yet I still have the feeling of homesickness. I miss the people that have been my family for the past five and a half months. I miss the places that I have called home since being away from my small town. It's strange. I'm at home with homesickness.

I never thought it would happen like this. I thought that I'd finish my DTS and go on my merry way. I never thought that I would change the way I did or establish the relationships that I have. I am so glad, though, that my expectations were exceeded. Things beyond my imagination happened. I've changed and there's no way in Heaven, Hell, or anywhere in between that I am going back the girl I was.

Sisters, sleep, and a revelation

Well, my sister got into Portland the other night. It's great to see her! I really missed my family and all that. I think she's kind of bored here. I guess that kind of tends to happen when its debrief week and you weren't a part of the thing that needs debriefing. She's also stressed for some reason or another. We got into a little inconsequential argument today. I think it was just stress levels.



I'm also still jet-lagged. I totally thought I'd be over it by now. I guess not apparently. It sucks not eing ale to nap more than 20 mintues. I'm forcing myself to eat at proper times. I'm not really actually going to bed at decent times, though. That's probably not good for me, but I'll live.



Last night, I shared a little bit about Cambodia with the local youth group. I surprised myself by the passion that ended up showing. I just remembered the hundreds of kids that we fed and the looks on their faces as we dished out their gruel. It was such unapatizing meal, and yet, they were so grateful. I remembered the rescued girls that we were able to take out for their first nice lunch ever. I was there. That's just a fraction of what I experianced. And it all came rushing back.

God revealed something to me just recently. I am beautiful. Stunning, in fact. While there is something on the outside, there's a special beauty on the inside. A certain something that make people want to talk to me. It makes people want to come to me. It makes people feel good. At the same time, it is a brand of beauty that not all can not only appreciate, but even point out. It's something that God has put inside of me to set me apart. Physical beauty is not hard to come by, not that I don't have my share, but there is something different about me. Something that not your average run of the mill girl next door has. It's God. It's a visable God in my every day life. He is shown even in the way I carry myself. God rocks. I love God. And believe it or not, I've finally come to love myself.

Home, Sweet Home!

Wow... I've finally made it home. After two months of a wonderful adventure in Thailand and Cambodia (with an hour mini excursion into Laos), not to mention about 72 hours of travel, I'm back in Oregon! I love it! It was a little strange at first, but I'm getting used to it.

Flushing the toilet paper here leaves me feeling a sense of dread. I feel like the toilet's going to clog as soon as I flush it. I fight the urge to throw my paper into the trash. It's getting a bit better everytime I use the toilet. So now I'm going as often as possible. ;)

Funny thing: in Thailand, the girls that dress really provacatively, aren't actually women. They can even have a good amount of chestage, but they still lack estrogen. I don't know how they pull off growing a chest, I never asked. I got home and went out to eat with my team, and saw a couple of women dressed in really short shorts, low cut shirts, and their stomach completely showing. My first thought? "Oh, look at the transvestites!" Then, of course, I realized that they were indeed women. How bout that?

Another difference between here and Thailand and Cambodia. You have to tip your server when you go out to eat! It's actually an insult there, so don't do it. But here, it's pretty terrible if you don't. Crazy, huh? It was wonderful eating and not having to worry about having enough left over for tip.

While I miss Southeast Aisa, I'm really glad to be home. The smells, the comfort, all of that stuff, was something I missed. I would go back in a heartbeat. In fact, I would also become a full-time missonary if God so called me. But I would always look forward to visiting home. Throughout the life-span of this blog, I will fill in all about my trip, but for right now, I need to go to bed, as to kick my jet lag. Wish me luck.