I'm responding to "The Call"

Basically, the call is a 40 day fast. It's a fast to bring about change in this country for the better. The way my friend, Marc, put it, "It's a fast from sweets, meats, and gangsta beats" Also a requirment to the fast is 10% of your waking day being devoted to God. That's 2.4 hours. Not bad. At the end, on July 7th, there will be a huge rally thing in Nashville. I'm going. I'm comming in on this whole thing kinda late, but it's never to late to start, right?

I really feel like this will be the beginning of something HUGE. This country is about to turn around to the glory of God and I want to be in on it when it happens. I can't wait.
I will only be online occasionally. Even then, only to do some things pertaining to God. I kinda need to break my addiction to the internet anyway. So, I'll keep you posted, but not as often. ;)

Have a sweet day and God bless.

my conversation with God & the result

Today I had a nice little conversation with God about how I feel about a being in another relationship. It was a very much needed conversation on my part. While I didn't get any direct "this will happen at this time in this place," type answers, I do feel much better.
My conversation started out something like this. "Thank you, God, for getting me out of my relationship with James. I see where I could be now, and I don't like it. I really don't want a relationship right now." While the first three quarters of that statement was true, I was convicted for lying to God about the last quarter. While I truly desire a strong, healthy, Godly relationship, I recognize that I still have awhile to go before that can truly be obtained.

The conversation than became, "ok, well maybe I so want a relationship eventually, but not right now." At this point, I'm nearly banging my head on the steering wheel, (being that I was driving home from taking my sister to her boyfriend's house... long drive so I started talking aloud...), I realize that I have, once again, managed to lie to God.

Finally, I become completely honest. "God, I want someone right now. I want better than what I had. I want to feel loved and treasured... but I'm willing to go with your timing, even though it might be torture."

The thing of it is is that I really do want someone right now. I want to be held like I'm special again. I want to be kissed like I mean something to someone. I want to be romanced . I want to be swept off my feet by Mr. Right For Me.

Before now, I've felt bad for really wanting it right now. I didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone else that that's one thing that I really really want. God made me realize today that wanting it isn't terrible. I just need to be patient. I need to be willing to submit to God's timing. I need to be willing to go a few more years without even knowing Mr. Whatever You Wanna Call Him. But there's another thing that God revealed to me... He showed me that while I need to be patient, it's gonna kill me if I depend on my own patience. (FYI: Patience is something I've only begun to learn these past few months). I need to depend on God to give me the patience that I need. There's nothing I can do on my own. God put my desire there for a reason, the would be to quench it. I just need God to help me control it.

the return to life and reality

I don't want to say for a moment that DTS was not reality, because it was. It was a catalyst of getting me to the spot that I needed to be at. However, there are some aspects of DTS that I appreciated more than I should have.

Having taken this school, (Disciplship Training School), on the opposite side of the country, I was able to completely avoid those that had been a part of my old life. I was also able to take a break from those in which I love. Though I realized that things around where I live were still the same and that I was different, it wasn't until tonight that I realized just how true this was. Not only has my personality changed and my whole outlook shifted, but my physical appearance is different enough for good friends to walk by me and think I am a new girl. Good feeling, but different.

On the avoidance of my old life, it was strange to be put back into a situation in which I had to have some form of interaction, (though minimal), with someone from my past. We have both changed. We've both matured in our time apart, yet still have a long way to go. There's no way that this person will be as big in my life as he once was, but I am very proud of the progress that it appears he has made. I will never be sure, however, how much progress that actually is. I think I'm willing to trust this person to ever be close to him in any way again.

Is this is a flaw on my part? I do not nessicarily have to become good friends with him ever again. I don't even have to completely trust him. I just want to make sure that my motives for steering clear of him aren't bitterness or unforgivness.

Looking at him tonight, I had no feelings. It was almost scary. It was the first time that I have ever not felt anything for him. I felt a form of affection, but it was the kind that wishes a person well when they don't feel well. It was the kind of affection that a child has for a poor lost dog, (disclaimer: I am not comparing him to a dog). I can honestly say that I no longer love him.

I am glad that after five months of healing, I've actually gotten somewhere. I needed to come home to know that. Had I have stayed in Oregon without comming home, I don't know I would have ever been sure that I had fully recovered. I guess an addict or a phobics only way to know if their cured is to come into contact with that which has tormented them. Tonight I did just that.

One giant down, four to go....

Reflections

Here I sit, at two am, reflecting on my time both in Salem and overseas. I know that I've been changed. I'm much firmer in my beliefs and there's other things that I cannot explain. I know that things were accomplished in all countries that we were in. However, some things are on my mind that I just can't sleep with until they're gone.
I sat here just now, wondering if I did right by fellow team members. I put myself out there 100% for relationships with the locals, and yet only 75% for my team members. I didn't notice until I sat here looking at pictures and realizing that most pictures that were taken of me were a mere by-product of attempting to capture someone else. I know that I was indeed loved by everyone that I knew and became friends with, but I'm not sure that I went as deep as I could have. To all of my fellow DTSers, I am deeply sorry if I did not get to know you as well as I should have. I'm sorry if I was ever more concerned with resting than getting to know one of you a bit better. I hope you accept my apology.
Tomorrow, I see James. I'm so nervous that I don't know how to respond. I need the strength of God to see him and feel nothing; no pain, no feelings, nothing. I need to stay strong and out of his life. I want him to stay out of mine. However, I will not walk away from prayer, which has been my home for many years now. I will not let a bad relationship and bad breakup steal that from me. I refuse to let the enemy win this one. I will not be held down or back by a silly issue such as this.

home with home sickness

It's an odd feeling being home. I haven't been home in what seems to be forever. To be honest, it's only been about 3 months, but it seems an eternity. Since being home, I've been to three different countries and grown more than I ever have in my life. It just feels different.

At the same time, though, I feel like I've never left. The feeling that everything that I've experianced in these past five and a half months hasn't even happened. It's as if I experienced a wonderful dream. At this point, as I'm worried about where to work and who I'm going to see and when, things have begun to shrink into the back of my mind. In these past few hours, I've felt like I've needed to try to remember every little thing that happened.

Here I am, eating a bowl of ice cream and blogging at home, yet I still have the feeling of homesickness. I miss the people that have been my family for the past five and a half months. I miss the places that I have called home since being away from my small town. It's strange. I'm at home with homesickness.

I never thought it would happen like this. I thought that I'd finish my DTS and go on my merry way. I never thought that I would change the way I did or establish the relationships that I have. I am so glad, though, that my expectations were exceeded. Things beyond my imagination happened. I've changed and there's no way in Heaven, Hell, or anywhere in between that I am going back the girl I was.

Sisters, sleep, and a revelation

Well, my sister got into Portland the other night. It's great to see her! I really missed my family and all that. I think she's kind of bored here. I guess that kind of tends to happen when its debrief week and you weren't a part of the thing that needs debriefing. She's also stressed for some reason or another. We got into a little inconsequential argument today. I think it was just stress levels.



I'm also still jet-lagged. I totally thought I'd be over it by now. I guess not apparently. It sucks not eing ale to nap more than 20 mintues. I'm forcing myself to eat at proper times. I'm not really actually going to bed at decent times, though. That's probably not good for me, but I'll live.



Last night, I shared a little bit about Cambodia with the local youth group. I surprised myself by the passion that ended up showing. I just remembered the hundreds of kids that we fed and the looks on their faces as we dished out their gruel. It was such unapatizing meal, and yet, they were so grateful. I remembered the rescued girls that we were able to take out for their first nice lunch ever. I was there. That's just a fraction of what I experianced. And it all came rushing back.

God revealed something to me just recently. I am beautiful. Stunning, in fact. While there is something on the outside, there's a special beauty on the inside. A certain something that make people want to talk to me. It makes people want to come to me. It makes people feel good. At the same time, it is a brand of beauty that not all can not only appreciate, but even point out. It's something that God has put inside of me to set me apart. Physical beauty is not hard to come by, not that I don't have my share, but there is something different about me. Something that not your average run of the mill girl next door has. It's God. It's a visable God in my every day life. He is shown even in the way I carry myself. God rocks. I love God. And believe it or not, I've finally come to love myself.

Home, Sweet Home!

Wow... I've finally made it home. After two months of a wonderful adventure in Thailand and Cambodia (with an hour mini excursion into Laos), not to mention about 72 hours of travel, I'm back in Oregon! I love it! It was a little strange at first, but I'm getting used to it.

Flushing the toilet paper here leaves me feeling a sense of dread. I feel like the toilet's going to clog as soon as I flush it. I fight the urge to throw my paper into the trash. It's getting a bit better everytime I use the toilet. So now I'm going as often as possible. ;)

Funny thing: in Thailand, the girls that dress really provacatively, aren't actually women. They can even have a good amount of chestage, but they still lack estrogen. I don't know how they pull off growing a chest, I never asked. I got home and went out to eat with my team, and saw a couple of women dressed in really short shorts, low cut shirts, and their stomach completely showing. My first thought? "Oh, look at the transvestites!" Then, of course, I realized that they were indeed women. How bout that?

Another difference between here and Thailand and Cambodia. You have to tip your server when you go out to eat! It's actually an insult there, so don't do it. But here, it's pretty terrible if you don't. Crazy, huh? It was wonderful eating and not having to worry about having enough left over for tip.

While I miss Southeast Aisa, I'm really glad to be home. The smells, the comfort, all of that stuff, was something I missed. I would go back in a heartbeat. In fact, I would also become a full-time missonary if God so called me. But I would always look forward to visiting home. Throughout the life-span of this blog, I will fill in all about my trip, but for right now, I need to go to bed, as to kick my jet lag. Wish me luck.