Me in a different body

I was a child born out of wedlock. I was the product of a one night stand. Yet, I was always told as a child that I was not a mistake. I knew God loved me, but I couldn't see how I was not a mistake. If the act that created me was a mistake, how could the product, me, not be a mistake? I think I finally understand.

I am not sure who I was talking to- my sister, Katie, I think- and she said something to this effect: "God knows us so well that He can kind of figure out what we're going to do with the choices He hands us. When He realized that these two people would get together someday, it would create a perfect situation for a person He wanted to create." That would be me, my friends. After tossing it about in my head for a couple of weeks, I realized how much sense that makes.

So there I am in bed tonight. And I start wondering, "Who would I be if Gerilyn and Ed wouldn't have been "in the mood"?" And I realized this. Having the biological parents I have contributed to a lot of things that have made me me. The weight issues on both sides is teaching me how to overcome the physical. It's teaching me willpower and perserverance. From the Kern side I get my smile. Because of who my parents are, I was raised with my grandmother, which has mainly made me who I am. But I got wondering, "What does that mean?" and I realized something. Though my personality may be largely different, my soul would still be the same soul. God doesn't divide souls and create them upon need. The sould I have was not split in two to accomidate my body, nor would it have been had I been born with another body.

All this realization has done for me has added to my revelation that this body that we cling so closely to is a mere mask. It's not who we are at all. We reside in it. It gives our souls something tangable, shelter of sorts, in which to live. Someday, this body will die, but we will live forever, no matter where we choose to live. It simply another phase of life. A transition, if you will, from caterpillar to butterfly. The caterpillar is like the soul before it gets a body, the cacoon is the body, and the butterfly... well. you get the analogy. Its such a short time that the butterfly is in the cacoon in comparison to his amount of time alive. He doesn't treat it like his perminant home. Why should we treat our bodies like that?

A body is like a hotel, but it's up to you to decide how many stars your hotel gets, granted.

So I'm here for a short visit on earth. I like your planet. My daddy made it. I'll be going home someday soon. I miss my daddy and I can't wait to see him again. He paid for my lodging, and its a nice place, but theres no place like home...

Life after the call

Disclaimer: my e is stuck and only works every so oftn, so if something is missing an e you know why.

So the call was awsom! It was really great to see others around my age to be calling out to God to turn our nation back to him. It's funny, somtimes, I feel like I'm alon in my quest to grow in Christ. Sometimes I feel like no on knows how I feel, like no one cares about God. Yet, there we all were... all 200,000 of us, there for the same thing with the sam goal in mind. It was great!

Boys stink. Actually, I take that back. Boys do not stink... relationships do. I am so terrified of getting into another relationship that it makes prospects equally terrfying. How can I move a friendhip forward into a relationship when I'm scared of getting hurt? How can I move on when I'm afraid of th future? I know that I need to trust in God. But it's a constant struggle.

Here's the thing... I find myself attracted to a friend of 6 and a half years. At times, I think that it's mutual, but that has nothing to do with my issue. In being attracted to someone, I realize the fact that a relationship is scary. I was burned so badly in my last one that even thinking of dating a friend seems not worth it. It's not worth losing a friend. However, how can I gain any thing in life if I'm not willing to tak the risk of losing something? Nothing is gained without a gamble.

I had a conversation with my friend about it. It's funny. I feel sorry for the poor guy I end up with. For the first couple of months to a year, he's gonna have to prove himself a lot. Before I even get into the relationship, I'm going to have to get alot of comfirmation from God. I feel so bad for him. He is going to be so exhausted most of the time. It's going to have to be true love. haha.

I just found out my dad's name. That was pretty crazy. After nearly 20 years of not even knowing his first name, I know his name and where he's from. Weird part is that there is a possibility that I go to church with my grandfather on his side. He's from the area that my mom apparently knew my dad lived in, he's old enough to hav a 50 year old son, which is how old my dad is, and he has the same name. I have my pastor doing some checking into the guy so we know a bit before I approach him. My dad isn't listed anywhere, and if he is, he doesn't live here anymore. All I can find is information on th chamber of commerce. Wouldn't it be awesome if my dad was rich or famous? Not that I would xpect anything from him though. It would just be cool.

I'm responding to "The Call"

Basically, the call is a 40 day fast. It's a fast to bring about change in this country for the better. The way my friend, Marc, put it, "It's a fast from sweets, meats, and gangsta beats" Also a requirment to the fast is 10% of your waking day being devoted to God. That's 2.4 hours. Not bad. At the end, on July 7th, there will be a huge rally thing in Nashville. I'm going. I'm comming in on this whole thing kinda late, but it's never to late to start, right?

I really feel like this will be the beginning of something HUGE. This country is about to turn around to the glory of God and I want to be in on it when it happens. I can't wait.
I will only be online occasionally. Even then, only to do some things pertaining to God. I kinda need to break my addiction to the internet anyway. So, I'll keep you posted, but not as often. ;)

Have a sweet day and God bless.