Fitting in

Ya know.. as a kid I always dreamed of finding my dad. I never really thought farther then that to siblings and an entire other family. When I set out to find my dad, I wasn't ever even sure that he was going to accept me as his. Needless to say when I met my dad and he welcomed me with open arms, I was overwhelmed with joy and wasn't sure what to think.

Then he told me I had siblings... That terrified me. I was positive that they would hate me taking their daddy from them. They would surely never accept me as one of them. Then I met Katie. Turns out that we share a brain. We are so exactly alike in so many ways that its ridiculous. Talking to the siblings over email, they assured me that they didn't believe in half siblings. It was all or nothing. So I was their sister. Between those emails and meeting Katie.. my fears were calmed slightly. However there was still Dee and Jon to worry about.

Then I got out here to St Louis. I can't realy see myself in Jon and Dee, but we're siblings. Not close ones, but maybe that will come with time. But this entire family- right from my dad's ex and her husband down to the youngest girl- have accepted me as one of their own. I am sharing a room with a thirteen year old girl- my dad's ex's daughter. Her calender had marked "Dina comes" and "Dina leaves :(" on the appropriate days. That is that same level of acceptance I have been experiencing, and I love it.

I love my new family.

Life after the call

Disclaimer: my e is stuck and only works every so oftn, so if something is missing an e you know why.

So the call was awsom! It was really great to see others around my age to be calling out to God to turn our nation back to him. It's funny, somtimes, I feel like I'm alon in my quest to grow in Christ. Sometimes I feel like no on knows how I feel, like no one cares about God. Yet, there we all were... all 200,000 of us, there for the same thing with the sam goal in mind. It was great!

Boys stink. Actually, I take that back. Boys do not stink... relationships do. I am so terrified of getting into another relationship that it makes prospects equally terrfying. How can I move a friendhip forward into a relationship when I'm scared of getting hurt? How can I move on when I'm afraid of th future? I know that I need to trust in God. But it's a constant struggle.

Here's the thing... I find myself attracted to a friend of 6 and a half years. At times, I think that it's mutual, but that has nothing to do with my issue. In being attracted to someone, I realize the fact that a relationship is scary. I was burned so badly in my last one that even thinking of dating a friend seems not worth it. It's not worth losing a friend. However, how can I gain any thing in life if I'm not willing to tak the risk of losing something? Nothing is gained without a gamble.

I had a conversation with my friend about it. It's funny. I feel sorry for the poor guy I end up with. For the first couple of months to a year, he's gonna have to prove himself a lot. Before I even get into the relationship, I'm going to have to get alot of comfirmation from God. I feel so bad for him. He is going to be so exhausted most of the time. It's going to have to be true love. haha.

I just found out my dad's name. That was pretty crazy. After nearly 20 years of not even knowing his first name, I know his name and where he's from. Weird part is that there is a possibility that I go to church with my grandfather on his side. He's from the area that my mom apparently knew my dad lived in, he's old enough to hav a 50 year old son, which is how old my dad is, and he has the same name. I have my pastor doing some checking into the guy so we know a bit before I approach him. My dad isn't listed anywhere, and if he is, he doesn't live here anymore. All I can find is information on th chamber of commerce. Wouldn't it be awesome if my dad was rich or famous? Not that I would xpect anything from him though. It would just be cool.